Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.