I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this just has baby written all over it
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
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My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
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i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.