Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman