he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
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i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
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You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.