I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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