I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
