he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
