can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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