will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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