Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
