This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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