i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
