Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
