all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
