just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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