I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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