Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.