My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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