There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life