How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
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i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
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are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?