I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
