I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
