I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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