Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
