Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
