Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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