Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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