Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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