Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
