Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
