Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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