accomplished twins. life is a go
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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