My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
