she is the kim kardashian of front butts
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
