Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
