When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
