Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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