I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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