Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
