why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
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That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
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my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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