mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
