I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Watching her eat just hurts me
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
