Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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