So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
