I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
