You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
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Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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