Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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