You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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