I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
