I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
being pregnant is like rehab
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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