What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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