i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
