i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
we're chasing vodka with high fives
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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