I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
