I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
