just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
