twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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