You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
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