Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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