You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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