I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
