she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
